Or any other map feature?
Marjorie Taylor Greene, hardly one of the sharpest knives in the Congressional drawer, introduced the bill that makes a federal law out of President Trump’s executive order renaming the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America.
The House of Representatives reportedly is going to vote on it soon. Whether there are enough worshipful Republicans to pass the bill is uncertain. The House can lose only four GOP votes for the bill to fail. One GOPer already has announced he’s a “no” vote.
Republican Congressman Don Bacon of Nebraska is spot-on in calling the whole thing “juvenile” and told CNN, “We’re the United States of America. We’re not Kaiser Wilhelm’s Germany or Napoleon’s France…We’re better than this. It sounds like a sophomore thing to do.”
What’s worse is this: the bill tells Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, to update a database of the geographic features in the 50 states. We can imagine how that will go.
Probably at some time during your school years, you took a geography course. Welcome to today’s expansion of that subject. We call it Trumpography.
If Trump really wants to be king of his world, there are ample opportunities for him to order the renaming of all kinds of places. He already has decided he can meddle in the Arab world by having this country call the present Persian Gulf the Gulf of Arabia, an idea that is beyond ludicrous.
This means that all of our military people who thought they had fought the Persian Gulf War fought the Gulf of Arabia War. What’s next? Renaming Omaha Beach—oh, wait, that’s already an American name. There are about two dozen communities in this country named Paris, a French word. Wee shouldn’t have American towns maned for a French City. He needs to start calling Paris, France; Springfield, France.
Perhaps it will occur to him or to other sharp knives in the administration that there should be a penalty for Canada not jumping at the chance to be our 51st state. Goodbye Lake Ontario. Hello Lake Trump!
And the Canadian River!!! We cannot have a major river that flows more than 16-hundred miles from the Sangre de Cristo Mountains to its junction with the Arkansas (Are-Kansas, is how it’s pronounced by the way) with that name. Call Doug to update that feature that flows through states 38, 47, 28, and 46. Since Russia already has first dibs on Don as the name for a river, perhaps this one can be the Donjr River.
Toronto, Ohio has to become—oh, I don’t know—Eric, Ohio. It would be only the second place in the whole world named Eric. The other is in Turkey. There is an Erik, Oklahoma on old Highway 66 that was the boyhood home of country singers Roger Miller and Sheb Wooley. When we were there several years ago I think it was called EAR-ick.
If he has his undies in a knot about Doug Ford, the uppity premier of Ontario, he could order seven cities in the states of Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Montana, Tennessee, and Washington to change their names from Ford to some of his better appointees or political lackeys:
Gaetz, Iowa; Stephenmiller, Kansas; Musk, Kentucky; Habba, Mississippi; Giuliani, Montana; Lindell, Tennessee; Ephshteyn, Washington.
And in terms of Ontario: Towns in Montana and New York, will have to give up names of Ontario cities Hamilton and Kingston. Hello Lara, New York and Melania, Montana. Quebec, Louisiana will become Ivanka, Louisiana. Winnipeg Kentucky can be Barron; Victoria, BC will be Tifany BC; Halifax, North Carolina will be re-christened Hegseth, NC; and Edmonton, Kentucky can become EdMartin, Kentucky.
An interesting situation exists near Buffalo, New York. Famous waterfalls. And since Trump is good at renaming entire bodies of water although our country occupies only a small part of the whole thing, he should insist that the American Falls be extended and the Niagara Falls also become the American Falls.
Do unto Canada what has been done unto Mexico.
If he can rename the Gulf of Mexico, there’s nothing to keep him from renaming every other place on earth. Nothing is safe. He’s so fixated on Mars, he should rename it Deejaytee, a subtle reference to his initials.
And don’t forget Atlases. His protectors of our reading material would do well to throw out all atlases. Talk about DEI! Punish the countries that send five-year old rapists, fentanyl dealers, escapees from mental hospitals and prisons and their families by eliminating their countries from all atlases. “Mar-a-Lago Territories” has a nice ring to it as a replacement.
Since he can’t forge peace between Russia and Ukraine, perhaps he should just declare the two countries as one country named DonaldJohn. And Israel and Gaza could be combined as Magaland.
This is real: he has said he’s thinking about changing the name of the Persian Gulf to the Arabian Gulf. Trump has hinted that he might do that before he makes a trip to Saudi Arabia, Qatar, and the United Arab Emirates.
No, really. He has said it.
We and he could go on and on playing his juvenile game. We already have exceeded the bounds of absurdity, But, mom, he started it.
And that’s all it is, really. A rich little kid looking to fill the time when he’s not playing golf.
The world would be better served if he just concentrated more on his putting.