So we’re going to play a game called Conspiracy Theory. Let’s make one up, right here. All five of us around this table. Each of us contributes one “fact” with the next person building on that “fact” until we have a theory we can float out there.
Person One: How about this? Donald Trump isn’t the real President.
Person Two: He did win the office in an election, but—
Person Three: He’s just a figurehead!
Moderator: Wait a minute. Figurehead?
Person Four: I think I agree. Yeah, he’s just the guy out front but somebody else is really pulling his strings. Think of all the times he has said, “I don’t know” when he’s been asked questions by the press. And just recently when somebody asked him who stopped arms shipments to Ukraine, he said, “I don’t know. You tell me.” We need to point a finger at someone we can pass off as the string-puller.
Person One: Hmmm. Why don’t we “suggest” it’s Stephen Miller?
Moderator: Wow! That’s an interesting road to go down. How can we cook up something to explain that?
Person Two: Well, what about we say that Miller is dreaming up all of this deportation business. I mean, he recently tried to explain how much better the country would be if we got rid of all of the immigrants. Like, “You would be able to see a doctor in an emergency room right away.” He was talking about how Los Angeles would be better but aren’t there emergency rooms all over the country that would be better off if we didn’t have immigrants falling off of roofs or burning themselves in a Mexican restaurant kitchen, or having a heart attack while picking lettuce on a 110-degree day? Stuff like that.
Person Three: Y’know, he also talked about schools. He said, “Your kids would go to a public school that had more money than they know what to do with.”
Person Four: And he also said “Classrooms would be half the size. Students who have special needs would get all the attention that they needed.” Of course, all of this was being said about the same time the administration was withholding tons of money for summer programs and other school things.
Person Two: Do you think his immigration talk was just a smokescreen to distract attention from the school forecasting?
Person Four: Interesting suggestion.
Moderator: All of the claims are provable nonsense, of course. And here in Missouri, a lot of school funding is based on attendance numbers so that might mean LESS money for Missouri schools if there are fewer students.
Person One: And don’t forget: “There would be no fentanyl, there would be no drug deaths.”
Person Three: None?
Person One: That’s what he said.
Moderator: Thanks for mentioning that. It sure sounds like the kind of stuff Trump actually has said. It’s also not true, but truth and conspiracy theories are incompatible. So, we need to make sure we say this thing about Miller often enough that people will think, “If they keep saying it, it has to be right.”
Person Two: Those things do sound like stuff he might cook up to feed Trump to say during one of his cabinet meetings or maybe during a graduation speech somewhere. Trump does like to be given a fact that he can blow up into a major talking point even if he doesn’t know what the fact is all about—-and then keep repeating it during his interminable public speeches.
Person Three: Speaking of feeding Trump things. D’you think he really reads the executive orders he signs? I don’t. Somebody announces what the thing is about and then gives it to Trump who signs the document, holds it up for the photo ops, then waits for somebody to tell him what’s in the next one. Somebody else clearly writes the things—the spelling and capitalization are all properly done and I haven’t heard yet that any of them end with MAGA!
Person One: And there are so many of them! You can’t tell me that he personally signs all of them. We just see the ones he does on television. Why don’t we suggest the Trump autopen is in Miller’s office?
Person Four: Good point. I’ve got another one. His speeches. He reads his prepared remarks as if he hasn’t seen them before and then goes off-script with some whoppers in his usual style for several minutes and then might drift back to the prepared remarks. It must drive people like Miller crazy when he goes off the reservation like that. But we can make the case that he doesn’t sound like he knows what he’s talking about when he’s on-script because he’s just mouthing words provided by Miller until he thinks he can make the point better if he mixes it in with ad-libbed revenge language or something.
Person One: You’re right. The prepared stuff sounds too rational to be Trump’s real words and when he reads it off the teleprompter it sounds as if he’s never seen it before. It’s not until he goes off on a tangent that we get the real Trump and that makes people forget what somebody prepared for him. I think that makes our theory stronger.
Person Two: Hold on a minute. We’re kind of drifting away from creating a well-rounded theory here. Let me suggest this: Stephen Miller actually runs Donald Trump.
Person Four: Could we suggest he’s a shape shifter and he actually IS Donald Trump?
Person One: That’s over the edge, I think—although people who dress up as Wookies might believe it.
Person Three: Getting back to our point. Maybe we can suggest it’s the kind of stuff that Trump will embellish to even more outlandish dimensions in his speeches or cabinet meetings, which will let the media think he’s the one most loudly pushing this stuff.
Person Four: But we say he’s not, that the main thing he’s interested in is becoming wealthier so he lets Miller run the presidency and create quotes while Trump cooks up new ways to make more money
Person Two: And playing golf.
Person Four: And playing golf. AND getting a gift airplane he can repaint to look like Air Force One and take it home as a souvenir when he leaves office.
Moderator: We’re drifting off topic again, folks. Let’s get back to the Trump-as-front-man for Miller theory.
Person Two: What else do we have?
Person Three: Well, there’s Jeffrey Epstein and Vladimir Putin.
Moderator: That’s an interesting pairing. But I think that’s going to take some work before we put it out there. Remember, Trump has been accusing Ukraine of starting that war and he browbeat Zelinsky during that Oval Office embarrassment and now Trump has figured out that Putin doesn’t care what he says. We need to spend some time figuring out how Miller can be behind that.
Person Three: How about Epstein?
Person Two: Oh, Lord, I’m not sure we can add anything to that mess. Let’s leave that to Glenn Beck. He has five theories and we don’t want to crowd the field. He’s creative enough to handle that himself and we should let nature take its course on that one. If there are a half-dozen conspiracy theories around, things will be confused enough that MAGA people can take their picks.
Sooner or later that drawing of the woman is going to leak out, if there really is one. However, even without that, we do know that Trump has used his magic marker to draw things for auctions as well as for things other than signing executive orders and re-drawing weather maps. So he and his marker are certainly capable of a lot of things. But we need to talk more about that.
Moderator: Listen, we shouldn’t get too complicated with our theory. The best conspiracy theory is a simple one that susceptible minds—the gullible idiots—can easily latch onto. We don’t want to get over the heads of those people.
Person One: That’s a good point. Why don’t we just go out there with the “Trump is just a front man” theory. The mainline media will pummel that possum flat and the Trumpers will deny it. But a few of them might think, “Maybe there’s something there.” We use this as our first theory to weaken the obsessive support Trump has from a lot of people and then we flesh out some of the other things we’ve kicked around or that might come up.
Person Two: We could do a lot with swollen ankles, you know.
Person Three: Oooh, great idea. Maybe we can suggest that problems with blood flow to his legs can be an indication of problems with blood flow to the brain.
Person Four: What makes you think that would work? The medical profession probably wouldn’t support it?
Person One: I think it COULD work. With RFK Jr., running the country’s health agency, a lot of the public might buy the brain vein idea and probably some other theory we can develop—like Trump wearing a catheter. That could be a good one, too.
Person Two: What could we do with his bald spot?
Moderator (ignoring Peron Two): Okay, I think we need to stop before we go farther off the deep end. We’ve come up with some great ideas. Let’s get together in the next few days and polish our first one before we send it to MSNBC where Rachel and Chris can spend a week or more developing it for us. We probably should make sure FOX hears about it, too, so they can interview Trump whose denials and threats will only add credence to our theory.
Person Four: Don’t forget to give it to One America and Newsmax. They won’t be able to ignore it and we’ll get even more exposure when they call it a hoax.
Moderator: Now, listen. You raised the issue of threats. We have to be careful so that nobody knows where this came from. We don’t want to get sued by Trump. Of course, we don’t have nearly enough money to make it worth his while but that doesn’t stop him. We’re just innocent private citizens having a little fun at his expense.
Person Two: You know, of course, that we wouldn’t have to worry about such things if Trump had a sense of humor.
Moderator: Yeah. Well…….
(Non Sequitur by Wylie Miller is distributed by Andrews McMeal syndicate.)
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